


Different

by reeei



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Character Study, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-26
Updated: 2014-01-26
Packaged: 2018-01-10 02:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1153616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reeei/pseuds/reeei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim Kirk builds walls around himself and paints the wall to show the world who he wants them to think he is. But once in a while, he wants to let someone in. The problem is, does that person see the painting or the wall behind it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Different

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so so SO grateful to my Captain, [Ashley](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lovethecoat51), for beta reading. She made this fic so much better. <3

"I thought you’d be different." Jim hurtfully murmured.

Leonard frowned at him.

_Fine, you asked for it._

"I thought you wouldn't think of me that way. I thought you’d know me better. I guess I was wrong. You’re just like everyone else," Jim accused. He knew how childish he sounded, but he couldn't control it. He felt betrayed.

"Jim, it’s not like that." Leonard held up one hand.

"Oh, it’s not? Enlighten me," Jim retorted.

Leonard seemed like he almost said something, but he swallowed it back.

"Yeah, I thought so." Jim stormed out of the bar.

 

+++

 

It was a petty and playfully argument at first, as usual. They were at a bar, Jim got a beer shower from a “clever woman”, according to Bones. So he decided to call it a night and head home. And that was when the argument started, when everything went to hell.

In the middle of the argument, Bones teased him that he got what he deserved because the way he treats women, and men, and any other genders or aliens.

He responded with, “Yeah, you’re the one to talk, I’m sure Jocelyn wouldn't talk to you because you treated her like a real gentleman.”

He wanted to slap himself as soon as the words came out. That was low and untrue, he knew. But he couldn't help it. Bones knew him better than that. Or so he thought, apparently.

They stopped talking after the fight. It wasn’t easy, since they were roommates. Jim would leave early in the morning and go to the library after classes. Leonard would do extra shifts and go to the Medical library when he was off. If they happened to see each other awake in the dorm, they avoided any eye contact.

It was killing Jim.

Anyone with eyes knew how much he clung to Bones. And he hated himself for it now. But the thing he hated the most is that even Bones didn’t see the vulnerable, fragile, needy, insecure, stubborn child that he hid from the world by all means. He guessed he hid it so well, even the one he thought was his soul mate (wow that sounded so cliché and stupid now) couldn't see. Ha. _Great job, Jim._

+++

 

When he came back to the dorm on the eighth day of the cold war, (no, he’s not counting, who’s counting, pfffffff,) he found a note flashing on his computer screen.

> _Your mom vid-called, she’d like you to call back ASAP, she only has reception until 7 pm_

"Oh, no," Jim murmured under his breath and clicked on the computer. Winona's face appeared on the screen a minute later.

"Hey, Jimmy." Winona smiled. "How’s the Academy’s golden boy doing? Your roommate was hot, by the way."

"Oh my God, Mom. You talked to B—McCoy? I hate you so much." Jim covered his face with one hand. He couldn't believe this was his life.

"He’s so well-mannered. I like him." Winona grinned. "And his _accent_ , I mean, pheeeeeew.”

"Mom, stop embarrassing yourself. Look for guys _around_ your age, please,” Jim begged.

"He’s so serious though. I had to put on my serious face, too. Sooooo, are you guys besties? TELL ME EVERYTHING." Winona asked.

"Uh…" Jim tried to think of a way to avoid the question, but failed. "We…we’re kind of not talking right now. We, uh, had a fight."

"What did you do? Oh, honey, please don’t be an asshole." Winona looked concerned, but Jim knew that look, and it was bad news.

"It’s so very comforting to know that my own mother immediately thinks it’s my fault and backs the other person up." Jim rolled his eyes.

"Huh, so it was your fault.” Winona looked amused.

"He started it." Jim pouted. "But, yeah, I said something pretty low."

"Jimmy, whatever he said or did that made you say those things, I’m sure it wasn't what you thought he meant," Winona said. "Likewise, whatever shit you said, I’m sure you didn't mean it."

"Mom……" Jim was almost moved to tears.

"So GO FIX IT." Winona growled.

"Jesus, Mom, don’t yell." _I could never catch up with her_ , Jim thought. “ _Fine_ , I’ll fix it. Now go back to your important job, whatever it is.”

"I love you, too, Jimmy. Be nice, be safe. Don’t cause too much trouble." Winona kissed the screen.

"Okay, Mom." Jim blushed. "I-luv-yew-tue."

Winona smiled and the screen went black.

 

Jim waited in their room for Bones to come back...for 30 seconds, and then he chickened out. No, not chickened out. He was still pissed at that man, didn't want to see him face to face. Plus he was hungry.

Jim didn't want to risk running into Bones at the mess, so he went to a deli, thought he'd get a sandwich.

And of course Bones picked that exact same time to go to the exact same deli.

Bones was in the front of the line, he looked up when Jim walked into the place. They stared at each other for a second. Jim decided that Bones didn’t look too hostile, so he walked over to him. Not that he wasn’t mad at the man anymore, but there was a line and Jim was too hungry to wait one more minute.

"Hey, Bones," Jim murmured.

Bones gave him a side-eye, but didn't tell Jim to fuck off. So Jim stayed.

"I, uh, what are you gonna get?" Jim mustered all his courage.

Bones gave him a look that Jim translated as, _I let you stand next to me but didn't say you could talk to me._

"Fine." Jim's courage and posture deflated like a balloon.

 

They got their sandwiches and walked home in silence.

Jim started to really think about why they stop talking. Bones was mad at him because he said something hurtful. Jim was mad at Bones because...

A wave of loneliness took over Jim's line of thoughts. He assumed that Bones saw the real him. He assumed that Bones, out of all people, knew that Jim build up a facade. He was wrong. Just like one and a half years ago at the bar in Iowa, Jim was facing the world by himself. He was all alone. The shuttle ride on the next day didn't change anything. Bones didn't change anything. He was running in circles like a puppy chasing its own tail.

Jim missed a step and almost sprang his ankle, but a firm grip held him up.

"Watch your step." Leonard mumbled.

The grip on Jim's arm was gone so fast, as if it was never there. Only the lingering warmth was proof that Jim didn't imagine it.

"Thanks." He couldn't say the words "Bones" out loud. He was not sure if that was still his Bones.

Silence sneaked back between them, thicker and more suffocating than before.

Jim considered what his mom said one more time, and squeezed out, "I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it."

Leonard stopped and turned to look at Jim, his expression went from annoyed to mildly shocked in half a second.

Jim blinked, tears slid out of his eyes.

"I had a picture of you in my head, but I forgot it was who I thought you are, not who you really are." Jim continued, "And I'm sorry I took it out on you. It wasn't fair."

"What you're saying now is not fair, either." Leonard sounds frustrated. "You said something you can't take back. Now you think you're trying to explain to me where it came from, but in reality, you're just blaming me for your actions. You're supposed to be my friend. I told you about Jocelyn and Joanna, then you twisted the facts and threw it in my face?" Leonard laughed dryly. "No, Jim. No. Apologizing only gets you so far." He picked up his pace and walked away, leaving Jim with the unfamiliar tears still running down his cheeks.

 _Go fix it?_ What if it's un-fixable? What if he fucked up so bad that Bones will never forgive him? Jim didn't even know if he still wanted to fix it. If the man he thought Bones was was just in his head, why bother to fix it at all?

 

"You're such an idiot." Uhura snapped. They were both sitting at the bar.

"Wh--what?" Jim slurred. It's his fifth...seventh shots? "You're very mean and unpolite."

" _Im_ polite." Uhura rolled her eyes. "I know you know it's impolite, so you were just messing with me. Allow me to repeat, you're such an idiot."

"Wh--why? _He_ 's an idiot. Not me. HE." Jim held up his index finger to emphasize his point.

"Oh my God. He didn't do anything wrong. You're the one being a jerk." Uhura huffed.

"I thought he would be different!" Jim started to feel his nose tickling and his eyes watering. "I thought--"

"You thought what?" A voice much deeper than Uhura's cut in from another side of Jim. He turned around.

"Bbbbb-- _burp_ \--Boooooooooones." Jim chuckled and reached for the man. Leonard stopped him from falling down the stool. "Heeeeeey, Booooooooooones."

"You thought what, Jim? What did you think I was?" Leonard calmly asked again.

Jim tilted his head, "I'm not telling you. You're very mean, too."

Leonard squinted at him for a second before he opened his mouth. "Your mom called again. She wanted to talk to you now."

"Huh? Why? What happened?" Jim felt like all the alcohol he had evaporated in a second.

"Nothing bad. She wouldn't explain it to me. She just said it wasn't anything bad but she needed to talk to you right now."

Jim stood up. Leonard supported him with yet another firm grip on his arm. He nodded at Uhura and urged Jim to walk.

 

+++

 

Leonard walked Jim over to the computer. Winona's face was still on it while he was out.

"Thank you, Leonard," Winona said.

“I’m gonna take a shower, give you guys some privacy.” He nodded at Winona and went to the bathroom.

"Oh, it's Leonard now," Jim whispered.

"What? You jealous?" Winona grinned. "And why are you whispering?"

Jim pouted. "You asked for me, Ma'am?"

"Oh come on, Jimmy. I was not gonna call him Doctor McCoy, now, was I?" Winona smiled. "What is it? You didn't fix it?"

"I couldn't." Jim stared at his lap. "I tried. But I fucked up too bad. And I'm not even sure if I--" Jim realized he was getting too loud and paused.

"James, did you think about what I said the other day?" Winona's expression was serious now. And it always made Jim feel like he was 10 years old again, waiting to be scolded.

"I...I did. But I--"

"James. Whatever you think he meant that pissed you off, he didn't mean it." Winona firmly stated.

"How could you know? You don't know him!" Jim retorted.

"I may not know him well enough, but I know people, and I know you." Her voice softened. "What was it, Jimmy?"

"I thought...I thought he would know who I really am." Jim explained. "But what he said...he's just like everyone else."

"How could you expect him to see who you really are if you don't show him?" She asked. "And Jimmy, did he mean what he say? Did you really understand what he said?"

"I didn't, just so you know." Leonard was out of the bathroom, putting clothes on as he spoke.

Jim almost broke his neck to turn around. "You didn't what?"

"I didn't know who you really are because I couldn't see." Leonard walked towards Jim. "It's been 19 months, and you were never real with me." He squatted down at Jim’s side.

Jim felt like he needed some water right that second. His throat was burning.

"You joke, you make small talk, you laugh everything off." Leonard continued. "I knew there's something hidden, but all I saw was a fog, a _thick_ fog. I wanted to see you, Jim, but I couldn't." He sounded hurt.

Jim nervously peeked at his mom before looking back into Leonard's eyes.

"And I didn't mean what I said. Commander Kirk was right. Well, at least half right." He smirked. "You did deserve that beer shower."

Jim stared at Leonard, not saying a word.

"What?" Leonard fidgeted.

"You wanted." Jim dumbly said.

"Huh?"

"You wanted to see me."

"Yeah?" Leonard frowned.  

Jim smiled and turned the screen off without looking at it. Then he leaned forward, stopped at an inch in front of Leonard's nose.

"Why?"

"Jim, you're not making sense."

"Why do you want to see me?"

"No, Jim. You're not pulling this on me now. I'm still pissed at you." Leonard scowled.

"I'm not doing anything." Jim innocently said.

"I can still hear you guys, you know." Winona reminded them. "If you're gonna kiss the doctor, Jim, at least say good-bye to me first."

Jim muffled a laugh and turned the screen back on. "Mom, thanks for calling. Bye bye, now."

"I'll talk to you later, Jimmy. And Leonard,” she put on a mock serious face. "If I ever hear you calling me Commander again, I'll make you regret it."

Jim rolled his eyes. Leonard chuckled, "Yes, Winona." And then she was gone.

"So you were going to kiss me?" Leonard asked.

"I thought you told me to stop everything I was doing because you were still pissed at me?"

"Don't be a smart ass, Jim. I'm fucked, I can't even stay mad at you." Leonard exhaled. "Come over here, dammit."

Jim leaned down again. Their lips met. The softest kiss Jim had ever had, but it tore through all the fog, fences and walls he built up.

"Mmm, Bones." Jim lazily whispered.

"Yeah, Jim?" Bones breathed the words onto Jim’s jaw.

“About the fog.” Jim sat back up, trying to think of what he was going to say. Those lips of Bones are making it impossible for him to think straight.

“Ah, the fog that’s thicker and more persistent than the infamous San Francisco fog. What about it?” Leonard asked.

Jim shyly smiled at Leonard’s words. “I don’t think it’s gonna disappear right away.”

“Uh huh?” Leonard looked puzzled. “And you’re telling me this because…”

“But I can show you the way in...if you’d like to?” Jim felt like he just made a confession of the century.

“Of course I’d like to.” Leonard looked into Jim’s eyes with the warmest smile.

“Okay, so that’s settled then.” Jim nervously smiled back. “And I’m pretty sure the fog is thinning out as we speak...or as we kiss and do other stuff.” Jim suggested.

“Is it, now?” Leonard grinned.

“Yes. If we want it to disappear more quickly…” Jim wiggled his eyebrows.

“We need to kiss more or do more ‘other stuff’? I approve of this plan.” Leonard buried his face in Jim’s neck.

Jim merrily whined.

 

+++

 

What Jim didn’t say was, Leonard was the sun that shined through the fog.

It was going to be a clear sky very soon.


End file.
